Filthy says:
"I can't fucking believe Yoda would sell out like this!"

Well, that pretty much sucked.

The dialog and the animation in Star Wars: The Clone Wars are as stiff as a teenage boy with his first copy of Swank. And sitting through it is like feeling the guilt and sadness that follows perusing a Swank without all the fun.

I guess the movie is supposed to be for kids; the traditional crawl of boring text at the beginning was replaced by a montage, the whole thing is written to the attention span and intelligence of a six-year old. Well, a six-year old with an unusual interest in mundane conspiracies and backroom deals.

In Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped by Count Dooku and his separatists, who tell Jabba that Jedis did it. That way, when the Jedis rescue the kid, Dooku can frame them and make it look like they've had him all along. And when the Jedis try to return him, the separatists will kill it and blame Obi Wan and Anakin. This will, apparently, cause Jabba to fight the Jedis and help Dooku and the Emperor. I'm sure I got the details wrong, but I really don't give a goat's dick or the milk it makes. Even if goat dick cheese is pretty tasty. No matter, the details of this movie are important only to very lonely men. The the children, what matters is really cool shit they can buy from a Lego's catalog.

During the movie, Anakin takes on a young, bandeau-topped Jedi trainee named Ahsoka. It's a platonic relationship, and his real girlfriend makes an appearance later in the movie. That won't stop the Star Wars fan fiction freaks. I just hope it just doesn't mean a drop in Matlock stories again. Anyway, Anakin is supposed to be her trainer, but does very little of that. At first he's even more surly and whiny to have a girl tagging along. Shortly, though, they respect each other to make really fucking tragically bad jokes; puns and shit, and right in the middle of life-threatening situations. It's pretty damn hard to laugh at jokes this bad, or sympathize with a character who makes them. It's even harder when the character is derelict in battle just to try out his new talent-show-at-the-youth-center material.

C-3PO may have the most personality. The other characters are a bone-hard drag. The dialog is pure crap, big steaming piles of spot-on exposition that lets nobody grow up or change, just explains where someone else is or what needs to be done. The stiff, cheap animation doesn't help, either, because faces barely move and hair never does. When people walk, they sort of float over the ground as though the background and figures aren't in sync. Mouths don't move with the dialog, either, giving the flick the feel of a My Little Pony straight-to-video, but with way more shooting and explosions. Except of course, My Little Pony: Assault on Doom Island. That flick would fucking rock even without the horse orgies.

Overall, this thing feels more like a cheap DVD in the bin by the registers at Wal-Mart than something for theaters. Some long shots look okay. For the most part, though, a hell of a lot more interest and attention has been paid to weapons and spaceships than to people, or aliens.

Ziro the Hutt, Jabba's uncle, is easily lamer than Jar Jar Binks. If you thought you'd kick Jar Jar in the balls if you ran into him at the Twelve-Volt Tavern, you'll want to eviscerate Zero with Jar Jar's dick. I swear to God, it's a fat fucking frog doing a bad, flaming Truman Capote impression. Every time that piece of shit was on screen, I both wanted to shit my pants in sorrow for whoever thought it was a good idea, and beat the crap out of someone. Which is a bad idea at a kids' movie where the person sitting next to you is seven, and using a breathing device, so you have a 50-50 chance of actually winning the fight. Plus, with little kids, you can always lie and say they started it. Most folks will believe you unless you reek of cherry wine.

On top of mostly sucking, Star Wars: Clone Wars is pretty fucking pointless. It takes place between the second and third Star Wars movies, so we already know what happens afterward. And we know Anakin and Obi Wan aren't going to be hurt. Ahsoka is peripheral. She's featured here, but totally irrelevant in the grand scheme. So, who gives a shit about her? Besides, I mean, those who can't wait to whip up a scene where Anakin butt fucks her while under droid attack.

Star Wars: the Clone Wars is crap. Maybe little kids like it, and maybe it'll keep them busy while the parents kill a fifth of Jack Daniels upstairs. Probably it will spawn a another shitload of toys to clog the toy aisles at K-Mart, thus preventing them from expanding their selection of Members Only jackets. But it's a soulless, cheapass cash grab, and a Two Finger one at that.

Want to tell Filthy Something?

Janet Stokes of the virtually non-existent Film Advisory Board

Fly Me to the Moon "A wonderful out of this world 3-D adventure for kids of all ages!"